I want to start with a disclaimer and I think it is a bit sad that it is necessary; I am fully aware that breastfeeding is best for babies and this post is in no way discouraging that OR slamming anyone that chooses not to/cannot breastfeed either. I believe every mother has the right to make their own decisions on how they bring up their children and should not be judged, but supported by other mothers/parents.
Now that’s out of the way… it’s going to be a long one!
Our Breastfeeding Story
When I fell pregnant, I didn’t have very strong feelings about how I would feed my baby. I had heard many horror stories about breastfeeding, and if I’m honest this did make me hesitant at trying to breastfeed my child. However, the more research about parenting I did and speaking with Midwives (who are VERY pro-Breastfeeding) I decided that I would give it a try. However, just like my ‘ideal’ labour scenario, I din’t want to pin my hopes on breastfeeding, after hearing so many stories of how hard it was and how many people couldn’t.
Fast forward to Willow being born, we immediately had skin-to-skin and after we had a little bit of time to settle (get out of the pool etc.), the midwife (who had previously asked me if I wanted to breastfeed) placed Willow on my chest and she immediately latched on and started to suck away. It was the craziest feeling, I was worried about not having any milk but was told about how she would be getting colostrum. It also hurt, but not my breasts, my stomach! Breastfeeding was causing my stomach to contract and me to bleed, which is a natural symptom, after a few days this disappeared and I occasionally would take a paracetamol before feeding if my stomach particularly hurt that day.
There was a lot of support in the hospital, we were given a pack and the midwife checked Willow’s latch the next morning before discharging us. At our first home visit from the Midwife (the next day), Willow breastfed throughout the whole visit, so the midwife could see how we were doing then also. We fed on demand, this could be anywhere from an hour at a time to 20 minutes at a time and usually every couple of hours.
A few days in and I did experience some discomfort but nothing that some cream didn’t soothe and my milk started to come in. I’d say that this was the most painful part of breastfeeding, I became very engorged and sore and in the end we went to purchase a pump to relieve some of my discomfort. I also really didn’t get on with the disposable breast pads, they made me so uncomfortable and itch like crazy… these ones were the best (especially for larger boobs).
For the first 8 weeks, breast-feeding went really well, I had beat my target of 6 weeks and I was pumping occasionally so that Wayne could join in feeding her, which was lovely. I loved being able to breastfeed her and was really proud of myself; it was an incredible bonding experience and it was a nice feeling being told be Doctors and Health Visitors that you are doing a great job for your baby.
It wasn’t all sunshine and roses though, I HATED feeding in public, there never seemed to be any family rooms anywhere and if there was they were disgusting. I visited a particularly bad one in Tesco one time but most of the time I was sat in a disabled toilet or in the car feeding her… not nice. When I did feed in public, covered up, I still felt SO self conscious and didn’t get made to feel to great about it. I also wasn’t totally keen on feeding completely on-demand, I knew it was what was best for her, but it meant that sometimes you never got anything done and I felt a bit housebound! I also never got into the swing of pumping, I was never one of these mothers that had millions of frozen bags in the freezer. I would pump most days, but it felt all consuming, constantly feeding, then pumping, then feeding, then pumping! I also hated wearing breastfeeding bra’s, I felt so frumpy and in the beginning the constant leaking made me feel so disgusting. But despite all of this, I felt that as long as Willow was feeding well, it was the right thing to do and what I wanted to do.
Once we got to 6 weeks, I told myself I wanted to get to 3 months, we were getting towards 12 weeks and I was starting to think; you know what, I reckon I could get to 6 months! Then at 9/10 weeks, things went down-hill, Willow would scream and get so distressed everytime she tried to feed. It was awful and so stressful, I was so emotional, thinking why couldn’t I feed my baby? Luckily I had been pumping, so we would always have a bottle to hand and she would take this fine! It got to 11 weeks and this was still happening, plus, I had also noticed that where, beforehand my breasts would become super engorged and leak loads if I missed feeds; this was no longer happening.
I did a lot of research and reached out to support groups for help; they suggested it was a growth spurt or that she was encouraging more milk. But eventually, I had to give in, it wasn’t fair on my baby for her to get this distressed over feeding and I could feel that I wasn’t producing as much milk as I should be/was. Too much time was passing and I was worried that she wasn’t feeding enough. I always said I would breastfeed as long as it worked and it wasn’t working anymore.
How we Combination Fed
I did a lot of research on Combination Feeding, as I didn’t want to switch 100% to formula straight away, but there wasn’t much out there and most things I did find, basically made out it was impossible and wrong – this was the best article I found.
At 12 weeks, I started off by giving Willow, 1 bottle of formula a day, usually around lunch-time. This meant that my supply had time to build up after the morning and before the late afternoon feeds. I think we started with 4/5 oz, she took to this really well and it didn’t affect her in any negative way, such as constipation. We gradually built this up to 2, then 3 bottles a day; I would breastfeed her first few morning feeds and then her last feed before bed and if she ever stirred in the night (rarely, as she slept through from 10 weeks) I would also breastfeed her. In this time, I saw the Health Visitor and got her weighed regularly, they were very supportive and explained that sometimes women’s supplies can just go and positively her weight was increasing and staying on the 50th centile. The biggest worry when feeding like this is not knowing how much she is getting and if it is enough, so by seeing her weight grow and that she was still a happy content baby, I was happy!
By about 16 weeks, I was only breastfeeding Willow in the morning and if she woke in the middle of the night and so I knew & felt that our time breastfeeding was coming to an end.
Once we returned from Spain and Willow was 19 weeks, she started to go through the 4 month sleep regression and I knew we needed to add more structure and a stricter routine to our days to help her with this; as well as knowing that our weaning journey would be starting off in the near future. So, it was then that I decided that we would stop breastfeeding altogether.
It has been just over a week now since I have stopped and I know that it was the right timing and right thing to do for Willow. I personally haven’t had any discomfort or engorgement, so I know I can’t have been producing too much anyway. I’ve had Willow weighed since we stopped too and she is still growing on the same 50th centile.
All-in-all, despite feeling emotional and a failure at first, I’m now proud and grateful for our breastfeeding journey, although it didn’t work out that we could exclusively breastfeed up until 6 months when Willow would start weaning. We made it so much further than I ever imagined. I’m proud that she got a good start in those first 3 months and that I was able to feed her exclusively myself for that time. But I’m also proud, that I proved the cynics wrong, that say “you absolutely cannot do both”, when I did it for almost 2 months and could have probably done it for longer.
I’m now excited to have a good routine with Willow and start out next exciting journey of weaning in the near future.
The Letter B 